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Overcome Challenges with Resilience: Relational Within the Self Intelligence

Purpose: Strengthening the intelligence of the self may help someone learn to manage the inner critic and build an inner secure base.


Having an intelligence of the self involves self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-compassion and a trust in an inner secure base. The authentic self is an integration of many inner parts and voices. Learning how to embrace all inner parts of oneself, while regulating an inner critic, can help someone experience a well integrated self that is more flexible and resilient. Challenges to self-acceptance and self-trust can occur anytime, such as from a critique from a peer or the recall of memory of shame. The feeling of shame and not belonging in a group can derail resilience. The feeling of shame can be counteracted by learning how to manage the inner critic and building an inner secure base.


Relational within the self is the third subtopic within the WavyFields topic of “Overcome Challenges with Resilience.” Please review the first two subtopics, “Somatic Intelligence” and “Emotional Intelligence” before proceeding to the Practice section below. After reviewing this subtopic of “Relational within the self intelligence,” then proceed to the subtopics of “Relational with Others Intelligence,” and “Reflective Intelligence.”

Practice: These practices may help someone to strengthen relational intelligence of the self.

Creating a Library of Memories of Self-Acceptance and Self-Worth


Conditioning: A person can create a mental library containing memories of self-acceptance and self-worth. Recalling these memories and adding more to the mental library each day can strengthen a sense of self-acceptance and self-worth.

Practice: Each day, dedicate five minutes to reflect on any moments of acceptance that were encountered during the day. Notice the sensations of acceptance in the body, such as a lightness in the heart. Celebrate these sensations, such as by saying “this is nice.” Commit this experience to memory so that the feelings of self-acceptance and self-worth can be recalled when needed.


Reciting Phrases of Loving-Kindness


Conditioning: You can choose to have loving-kindness when faced with any of life’s experiences. This can refocus attention on keeping an open mind and heart to the present moment.

Practice: Spend a couple of minutes each day reciting these traditional phrases of loving-kindness: “may I be safe from inner and outer harm,” “may I be happy and deeply content,” “may I be healthy and strong in body and mind,” and “may I live with the ease of well-being.” Notice if any positive sensations are felt in the body while reciting the phrases of loving-kindness. Remember the sensations and draw on them and the phrases when needed. The phrases can be adapted to focus on specific experiences, such as “may my anxious mind find soothing and ease,” or “may my self-doubt find confidence in my capabilities.”


Noticing and Labeling Traits


Reconditioning: Traits such as upbeat, discouraged, playful, and irritable come and go throughout the day. Being conscious of these various traits may allow someone to notice how long they linger and how they naturally shift. With this knowledge, a person may be better able to shift traits as they choose. 

Practice: Spend an entire day noticing and labeling the various traits that arise throughout the day. Notice how long each trait lingers and whether the trait is considered to be positive or negative. Spend the next day noticing, labeling, and then consciously shifting the various traits. Do not try to shift traits for the purpose of denying or repressing a trait, but with the intention of navigating towards a desired future self.


Meeting a Wiser Self


Deconditioning: A wiser self is an imaginary figure who embodies positive qualities such as: wisdom, confidence, stability, and perseverance. The wiser self truly cares and is there to offer guidance and support. The wiser self may be a composite of many people such as role models and mentors or the wiser self may be a version of the current self in five to ten years that has achieved the strengths which the current self is developing. The wiser self is there to listen and provide answers to any questions. The answers to the questions come from the intuitive wisdom of the current self. Accessing this intuitive wisdom helps to bring the intuitive wisdom to the surface in other life situations when responding to challenges.

Strengthen: Sit quietly and allow the eyes to close, while breathing slowly and deeply. Imagine being in a location that feels safe and comfortable. While in this location, anticipate that a wiser self will be coming to join shortly. This wiser self will embody all of the strengths that the current self is working to develop such as wisdom, confidence, stability, and perseverance. When the wiser self arrives, notice details about them such as what they are wearing, how they move their body, or how they speak and use body language. Imagine speaking or going for a walk together and notice the energy of the wiser self. Start by asking the wiser self questions about how they got to where they are today and if they can share examples of the obstacles that they had to overcome. Then, ask the wiser self more specific questions, such as a question about a challenging situation that the current self is facing. Listen carefully to their response and remember the advice that is given. Now, invite the wiser self to become part of the current self and notice how that feels. Then, imagine the wiser self leaving the current self and becoming separate again. Imagine that the wiser self is preparing to leave. Take a couple breaths to anchor a connection with them. Know that an encounter with the wiser self can occur anytime. Thank the wiser self for their time and say goodbye. Reflect on the meeting and notice any shifts.

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